my story with anxiety
Namaste,
Many of us know what it feels like to be anxious, overwhelmed, or panicked. Personally, I am no stranger, which is why it is important to me to center the practice of finding calm amidst turbulence in many of my offerings.
It first started exactly 20 years ago, and it wasn't a typical autumn day. I was heading home to New Jersey from Maryland after helping clear out the belongings of my beloved sister-in-law, who had just passed away a few months before.
On the highway, suddenly my arms started to shake, my vision blurred, and my breathing grew shallow and fast. I remember feeling tingly all over and thinking that I was going to pass out. Luckily my husband was driving and pulled off at the nearest exit and took me straight to the ER.
Convinced I was having a heart attack or facing something equally grave, I was shocked when my vitals came back normal. The ER staff told me that physically, I was fine. I was having a panic attack.
Wait. What? Me? No!
In the months following, I remember days of debilitating fears. I was afraid to ride the subway, afraid to fly in a plane. Things I used to do regularly, without ever thinking twice, now seemed threatening. I had this feeling that I was constantly running away from danger.
One day I was sitting in my apartment, not sure I could actually leave to go to work. I became even more afraid that I would never get my life back than I was afraid of the anxiety. It was in this moment that things shifted. I remembered I had something to lean on. I remembered there was a tool—my yoga practice—that I hadn’t picked up to help me through this. I rolled out my mat and returned to my practice.
I laid down in Constructive Rest Pose and placed my hands on my belly. Even though I was tense, and simultaneously tired and wired, I was able to focus on the support of the ground below me and my breath moving underneath my hands. I felt like I could actually rest for the first time in months—and this began the process of unwinding the tension I’d been holding.
From that point on I dedicated myself to learning how to adapt yoga and meditation practices and contemplative traditions to help me return to feelings of groundedness and presence. It helped me create routines—influenced by Slow Flow Yoga, Restorative Yoga poses, Mindfulness, and Lovingkindness Meditation—that never fail to bring me to a space that’s calm, clear, and connected.
In the end, the panic attacks revealed and invited me to reflect on all the ways I had felt out of control throughout my life. It was the portal that allowed me deep insight to begin to care for, support, and nourish myself in a new way.
This exploration would eventually become the basis for so much of my work: my book Deep Listening: A Healing Practice to Calm Your Body, Clear Your Mind, and Open Your Heart; my show on Yoga Anytime, Yoga For Anxiety; and my focus when it comes to my classes and trainings.
I hope you’ll join me and the Deep Listening community. Remember: Our practice is here for us during the challenging moments in our lives.
With gratitude,
Jillian
